~WTF?~

So far this summer has been eventful enough for me with the car ordeal in itself. I really try to always look at the the glass half full, but it has been a bit of a challenge the last month or so. My boss of 5 years whom I have a great affection for and look to as a father figure in a way lost his youngest son, Justin (25) to suicide on July 22. He called me around 3:00 on that Wed to tell me and I will never forget the trembling in his voice. I cannot imagine the amount of pain he and Susan are still going through. Even seeing my own mother lose a son to suicide and walking with her through all of that, it's still something I cannot grasp. The emptiness, feeling of failure, guilt, shame, the life that they knew before will never be the same. There will always be a void, no matter what. It has been almost a month since Justin stepped off of that ledge from his girlfriends condo and Dr Hughes told me yesterday that the shock is lifting and the harsh reality is setting in and he doesn't know how any one person can endure this much pain day after day without going crazy. I couldn't answer his question except to say, take one day at a time and pray that time will heal "some" things. It has been almost 5 years that my brother committed suicide and there is not one day that goes by that I don't think about him and there is not one day that goes by that I don't ask the "what-ifs". That is the hard thing about suicide survivors, is that there is never an answer, the only thing that has gotten me through any of this is my faith in Jesus Christ, yes, sometimes my faith falters and I question even God himself, but that is normal, I hope, I just try to gather my guts back up off the floor and start again. It's all I have.
So far in my lifetime I know someone that has committed suicide in every way except overdose, I don't know too many people who know one person that has died by suicide much less 5. I do one thing, it's that this world is full of hatred and it's a hard place to be at times, but the pain and suffering that these 5 people must have been enduring is obviously beyond our conception, it must be a very dark and sad place. What if........What if.........What if........
May you all rest in peace ~J.D.~ ~Trina~ ~Morgan~ ~Yvonne~ and ~Justin~