I Don't Get It

I am not sure what the purpose of this new thing that people are doing hanging the male genitalia off the backs of their vehicles. Not just trucks, no, I have seen them on the backs of Toyota Corolla's, Honda Fits and yes, a Volkswagen Bug. I say "people" because I have seen females driving these vehicle with the gold plated nut sack hanging from their cars, too. What does this mean, I mean really, do these guys feel like they need to let people know what sex they are, or are they so insecure that they need to show everyone that they have balls??

I can't even guess as to why the girls are driving these cars around, maybe they haven't had any in awhile and this is their way of advertising for some?? I don't know. I can't tell you how uncomfortable it is to have my 5 year old daughter and 4 year old son asking me what that is. It is appalling, I swear. Would guys like it if I designed a giant sized bloody tampon and hung it from my truck. I don't think so. People, please keep your privates PRIVATE.

~WTF?~

So far this summer has been eventful enough for me with the car ordeal in itself. I really try to always look at the the glass half full, but it has been a bit of a challenge the last month or so. My boss of 5 years whom I have a great affection for and look to as a father figure in a way lost his youngest son, Justin (25) to suicide on July 22. He called me around 3:00 on that Wed to tell me and I will never forget the trembling in his voice. I cannot imagine the amount of pain he and Susan are still going through. Even seeing my own mother lose a son to suicide and walking with her through all of that, it's still something I cannot grasp. The emptiness, feeling of failure, guilt, shame, the life that they knew before will never be the same. There will always be a void, no matter what. It has been almost a month since Justin stepped off of that ledge from his girlfriends condo and Dr Hughes told me yesterday that the shock is lifting and the harsh reality is setting in and he doesn't know how any one person can endure this much pain day after day without going crazy. I couldn't answer his question except to say, take one day at a time and pray that time will heal "some" things. It has been almost 5 years that my brother committed suicide and there is not one day that goes by that I don't think about him and there is not one day that goes by that I don't ask the "what-ifs". That is the hard thing about suicide survivors, is that there is never an answer, the only thing that has gotten me through any of this is my faith in Jesus Christ, yes, sometimes my faith falters and I question even God himself, but that is normal, I hope, I just try to gather my guts back up off the floor and start again. It's all I have.
So far in my lifetime I know someone that has committed suicide in every way except overdose, I don't know too many people who know one person that has died by suicide much less 5. I do one thing, it's that this world is full of hatred and it's a hard place to be at times, but the pain and suffering that these 5 people must have been enduring is obviously beyond our conception, it must be a very dark and sad place. What if........What if.........What if........
May you all rest in peace ~J.D.~ ~Trina~ ~Morgan~ ~Yvonne~ and ~Justin~

The joys of having a teenager

This is (was) my car. June 4: The kids and I and Damien's girlfriend, Lindsay had gone to Rockwall for the concert by the lake. Tribute to Jon Bon Jovi, it was alright, very crowded. Damien and Lindsay were ready to go before it was over and to be honest, so was I. We go home and Damien still needs to drive Lindsay home to Allen, and as he's getting into his car, he pauses and, on a whim, asks to use my car. Intuition?? Perhaps and answered prayer. I let him because his car is a beater and it was about to get dark, so I thought it would be better for him to take my car. About 20 minutes after they left, he calls and tells Charlie he was in a wreck, and to get there. So, I rush out the door and after what seemed like a lifetime, I made it to him standing on the side of the road with Lindsay, unharmed. They were wheeling the other driver off on a stretcher to the ambulance. She pulled out right into Damien from a stop sign. They were very lucky to walk away from that, and I thank God everyday for keeping my family safe and sound.
So, the other driver, of course was not insured at all. So everything gets claimed on our insurance and needless to say we are haggling with them to get enough money back from that to get a car that is reliable and that will fit Charlie and I and the 4 kids. So, I have been car less for a week now and thankfully have friends and family close by to tote me around.
Back tracking a little.....May was uneventful as far as "events" go in my terms, anyways! We had the 3 birthdays and the morning of May 23, Damien and his buddies having camped in the back area the night before were coming back up out of the woods with a dog trailing behind. Damien said this dog hung out with them all night long and wouldn't leave their side. So we hung on to him and looked for posted "lost dog" signs and after a week there were no signs posted. So, I took him to the vet to get checked for a micro chip and then checked out health wise and it turned out he tested positive for heart worms. The treatment was $600.00 and it is really hard on the dogs system and some dogs don't even make it through the treatment. He is the perfect dog and sweet as can be, only about 2 years old.....so we made the decision to invest in this new member of our family. Besides, Noah and Emersen were with me and were crying at the thought of leaving the dog there to die. I just couldn't do it. The trick to this treatment is that they have to stay calm, cool and collected for 4 weeks, they cannot get there heart rate up at all or they can throw a blood clot full of worm particles and die instantly. A houseful of kids running wild is going to be hard to control. But we are on week 3 and still alive. He has developed an abscess on his back where they gave him the injection, so we give him an aspirin a day and try not to touch it.
He is really such a sweetie, basically house trained with the exception of a few oopsie's, and very clingy, which I am certain is because of some sort of abandonment issue.
Emmie and Aubrey went to the neighborhood Daddy-Daughter Dance in June and had a good time. Aubrey is such a tomboy, I had to bribe her in order for her to put a dress on. She looks so cute in dresses, I wish she would wear them more often. As for Emersen, I have to bribe her at night to take her fluffy dress off and put on p.j.'s. She lives in twirly fluffy dresses, she is ALL GIRL. At almost anytime of the day when you look at Emmie, she has a brush in her hand and is pruning and primping. I keep telling her if she brushes that hair anymore, it's going to fall out, But she doesn't believe me.
So, while they were at the daddy daughter dance, me and Noah went up to the corner Sonic classic car show and saw a bunch of cool cars, Noah really liked that. It was really neat, just me and him, I don't know whether or not I have ever just had "Noah and me time", I really enjoyed it. I love my little Noah!!
Still alot to write, but will go for now. Life as I know it, is a bowl of cherries. I love every stinkin' second of it.

Mother Fucker

So, a lot has happened since my last entry as you can tell by my title, it's probably not good and by the color of my text, I am not Happy. So, lets see, Emersen had her 5 year birthday party which my mom didn't attend and looking back now I realize there was a definate pattern going on with all that. My birthday rolled around again as it does every year each one coming around faster and faster. So, my birthday fell on a Saturday and Jenn was having a Twilight watching party for me on Saturday night, so we decided to do something small at the house with the kids. Charlie had to work late and couldn't be there, so it was just me and the kids. I invited mom repeatedly and called daily with reminders, even offered to go out and pick her up. Again, she declined. So, the next morning she called me, sounded exhausted, wishing me a Happy Birthday. She went on to whine about not getting a big, beautiful present, but would try to come by at some point that day, but she had to go to the courthouse first and look into something. So, after a little poking and prodding about what was going on at the courthouse on a Saturday, she proceeded to tell me that Denise called her at 3am from jail (again) for a DWI and possession of marijuana. My mom felt like she had to do everything in her power to get her out. I was quite irritated at this point that Denise was getting the attention for my birthday. I am usually very low maintenance and don't require much attention, but this particular day, it stung me for some reason or another. Maybe because deep inside I blame Denise for my brothers suicide, she just kicked him while he was down instead of supporting him while he started his own business, the fact that she has refused to change her lifestyle in any way since his death and has been a completely irresponsible single mother to my niece. (That's just to name a few).
So I did make it clear to my mom that I was upset with her for enabling Denise again, that Denise needed to learn a lesson and sit in her mistake for awhile instead of everyone bailing her out all of the time. She will never learn accountability this way. I also made it clear that we could not or would not help her with this, it would have been different if it was a one time mistake and she was actually trying to get on the right path, but she's not at all and never has lifted a fucking finger to do so. Not even for her own daughter. Sure enough, mom was a no-show and to be honest, I was hurt. But I refuse to dwell on things like that and I went on with my day and had a great Twilight watching party at Jenn's. Over the next few weeks, it seemed as though mom was not calling as much and was avoiding family functions more and more. Although she would call the kids when SHE was feeling lonely, ya know, to make herself feel better. So, Easter rolled around and I really tied to stay in contact with her, but she had a house/ pet sitting job she was doing for like a week and a half, she said there phones were set up to a fax and we couldn't call in, so she would call us periodically and I reminded her about Easter every time we spoke to make sure she was going to be able to make it, the kids really missed her. She said she was going to be working there until Easter night, and these people really didn't even want her to leave the house but for a few minutes at a time. OK, that sounded very SHADY. So sure enough she didn't come to see the whole family that gets together only around this time of year anymore.
(I know this is painfully long, but believe me, this is the short version)
So, later that evening Charlie and I were looking over our bills and decided to pay a few on-line while we were there. Charlie noticed there was a $4,000.00 transfer out of our savings account to another account, it shows the last 4 digits of the account number it went in to. So, we did some backtracking and that transfer was done on March 21, 2009, my birthday. We had transferred some money into my mom's account not too long before that so I had her account number, and low and behold it MATCHED. This is where my title for this blog comes in. I immediately called her and came right out and asked her if she could have possibly done this. She very plainly and stone cold admitted it and felt very justified in doing so. I couldn't even breathe, I hung up the phone. Charlie and I were pacing in disbelief, all of the puzzle pieces fitting together now. My whole life flashed before my eyes with glimpses of her manipulating me in ways I never even thought possible. Did she manipulate my father by getting pregnant with me so late in his life just so he wouldn't leave her?? All of the times she made me go to the store with her while she was intoxicated so that when we drove up the alley I could ready myself with her newly purchased jug of White Zinfandel, I would walk up to the garage door and she would hit the opener, as soon as I could, I would sneak under the door before my dad had a chance to come out and see what she bought, and I would hide it somewhere in the garage. Thinking back now, really, how fucked is that?! I remember my dad almost religiously coming out to the garage every time she came home and having to lie to him when he asked why I had already gotten out of the car before she even pulled into the garage. I always said something like, there wasn't enough room to open the car door or whatever seemed appropriate at the moment. Thanks mom, for raising me while drunk, for one. For putting my life in danger day after day while being behind the wheel intoxicated every time, I remember getting into several fender benders and being embarrassed and scared to death. Oh, yes and for actually teaching me TO lie. That's some awesome parenting, there. Thank God I turned out more like my father, who didn't put up with any bullshit, one of the reasons I think he was blackmailed into staying with her. I recently got an e-mail from my best-est friend Melissa, which read:

Some people come into your life for a reason, a season or lifetime, but no matter what that may be, it will be a learning experience.

So, be as it may, my mom was in my life for a season, a definate learning experience, not anything I wish on my worst enemy.....well maybe Denise. To have your whole life as you know it, be sugar-coated and picture perfect in your mind and then to have it ripped out from underneath you is a slap in the face with a reality nobody should have to endure. All of this time I thought I have been pretty forgiving about everything and including granting Denise up until now a lifetime of grace. She has since sent threatening e-mails and texts to me. They have dwindled a little bit. I refuse to respond to her or my mother at all. They are both toxic and I don't want my family around any of that.

After we found out mom did this, we immediately moved Damien out with us. I couldn't see being able to be a part of his life the way I need to be when I refuse to see or speak to the person he's living with. It just wasn't workable. It wasn't a healthy situation for anyone to live with.

So, that's it really, in a really giant sized nutshell.

Living up to my word

So, here it is, March 17, 2009. I don't think I have blogged since mid-December, since before Christmas. Yes, I know.....I am so lame. However, I remember in my first posting that I saw this coming, I am not one to keep up with these things. I mean, here I am, a married mother of 4, I work full-time, trying to keep up with everyone on Facebook, regular e-mail, text messaging on my way to and from work, and trying to keep everyone updated on our life on Blogger. But, I'm doing the best that I can and that will have to be enough.

So, let's see, we have had Christmas, New Years', Valentines Day, Emmie's 5th Birthday and today....St. Patrick's Day. I will try to keep it short and simple:

Christmas was good, at our own house. We finally felt like our own family again, like we were exactly where we were supposed to be. It felt right. Mom and Damien came over Christmas Eve and stayed until Christmas mid-day. Later in the day, it was the second rush of folks, The Allens' came and drank, ate and visited. R.J. and Alex made it too, and brought baby Aiden, I couldn't wait to get my paws on him. I so wanted to go to Scotland in July, when he was born to be there for Becky and Alex, but the money just wasn't there, so I had been patiently waiting for my punkin' to come and visit. He is the most handsome and calm little individual I have ever laid my eyes upon. I fell in love with him immediately!! We also learned during our visit that they would be moving back to the states in Feb. Very exciting!!

So, then, before we knew it it was New Years' and we spent the evening at Jennifer 's and Williams and the neighborhood gang came and I drove to Canton to pick up my Ryan and he was there too. It was a pretty un-eventful night, except for the ridiculous fight Charlie and I had at about 4am, when I stumbled home. The last thing I wanted to do was to have an argument---I was so tired. Charlie and I are opposite when it comes to arguing. I need to chill and sleep on it to get to where I am reasonable and he can't sleep on it, he wants to hash it out all night if he has to, to get past it. I can see his view, but I simply can't do it when I am exhausted. But we finally got past it and all was good again in the Allen household :) I am glad, however, that our arguments are usually about petty things and not huge things.

Happy 2009!!

So, January came and went.

In February mom decided to put her house on the market, I think she finally realized that it wasn't practical for her to stay there and it took us leaving for her to see that, but sometimes that is what is necessary. She seems to be really picking herself up and getting out there and doing things she was convinced she couldn't do. I'm proud of her!

The kids all got the flu, despite the flu shot. Damien was the only one who ended up in the ER. He started running 105 fever and was delirious, we brought him back to our house to recover. I think he was sick-sick for at least an entire 7 days. Poor kiddo! We are all back to normal now, thank the Lord!

Charlie did find a job working for a very high-end family in North Dallas. Cooking again. He definitely has decided this is not what he wants to do long term and is hoping to just hold on to this job and put up with stressors such as making sure the rich people are fed until the oil and gas business picks back up. But until then, he is at their mercy, or should I say...beck and call!!

Aubrey already finished basketball season and if I don't say so myself, she is a definant baller!! She rocks on the court, and loves to play. We signed her up for softball and she's done 1 practice so far and seems to like it. While we were at her first practice, Noah and Emmie were having a ball being able to run around on the open fields and play to their hearts content. Nearing the end of practice (8:45pm Monday) Emmie came over to me and proceeded to tell me that I was going to be SO mad at her. So, of course, I asked, why? She lifted her pant legs up over her ankles and her shoes were covered in mud. I was relieved, of course, thinking it was something much more serious. Until I thought of Noah!!! Where is your brother, I asked her, panicking. She pointed in the direction of the field, sure enough, there he was army crawling through a giant mud puddle. He was literally covered from his neck down with nothing but pure mud. You couldn't even tell what color his clothes were. He looked so darn cute and I couldn't help but to laugh. I mean, he is all boy, after all--isn't that what they are supposed to do??

My little Emmie turned 5 on March 2nd. She is growing so fast, I have had to buy new sets of pants for her twice in the last 6 months. She is excited about going to big school with Aubrey starting in August.
Our neighbor, Ms. Barbara started watching the kids for me during the day and she cleans and does my laundry, all for the same I was paying the daycare. I swear she is an answered prayer. I actually have time in the evenings to spend with my kids instead of catching up on cleaning and laundry and what not. It seems too good to be true sometimes. The kids love her and I think she's getting a little attached too.
So, life is good and I wouldn't change a thing. Hopefully I will be better at Blogging and I won't wait another couple of months.

Turkey, Dressing and Pie...Oh my!!!!

Thanksgiving was good this year, a little odd, but good nonetheless. We decided to have it at our new house this year, so my mom went to Canton to spend it with my brother and his family. (It's a given that they do it every year) So we had the Allen side of it; Charlie's brother Jerry and his family came, Charlie's mom, Dottie Lou, and my BF Melissa, her husband and their 4 kids came. Charlie's friend, Boz came, too. I say it was odd, only because it seemed really kinda split this year. We were missing Charlie's other brother, Dallas and his family. Charlie's sister, April and her husband, Jeff. But I know as well as any, that you must split your family time between you and your spouses every once in awhile.

We had an abundance of food...Turkey, Ham, Crab casserole, Hash brown casserole, Green bean casserole, Squash casserole, German Potatoes, Fried Corn, Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, 3 Pumpkin pies, Apple pie, Chocolate Pumpkin Cake, Pumpkin Roll, Jello, 2 pecan pies, and of course cookies. We were all so stuffed that it was uncomfortable to even sit.

As with any family gathering, there always has to be some DRAMA somewhere in the mix. So here it goes:
First off you should know that Charlie is......well.......uuummmm.........OK, I'll say it; CHEAP AS HELL!! Anyways, so we went to Sears one day and they had a flat panel HD T.V. on clearance, for cheap enough for Charlie, so of course...we bought it. We have our new house and our new flat screen t.v., but Charlie refuses to get cable of any kind---so, yep, you guessed it, RABBIT EARS!! (Go ahead...laugh it up)
Charlie's brother and step-son are huge football fans and Thanksgiving, I am told, Is a very important football day. Charlie was making sure channel 4 came in nice and clear before everyone came over, in doing so, he accidentally, partially broke one of the rabbit ears, but propped just so, it was fine.
We noticed during the first half of the game that our surround sound (yeah, I know) wasn't working, so we decided during halftime that Jerry, Charlie's brother, would try and fix that dilemma. Charlie wasn't there at the time, he left to take his mom home, so Jerry started fixing the surround sound and all of a sudden, his son, Jad comes to ask me for some pliers, then for some plumbing tape. I went inside to see what exactly was going on, and low and behold, the antenna broke plum off, and they were frantically trying to tape it back together before the 2nd half started again. Poor Jerry, thought he was the one responsible for breaking it. I let him sweat it for awhile and I could tell as the minutes ticked by--his blood was beginning to boil. His wife, Mickey was ready to head to the nearest store to buy new rabbit ears to replace the ones Jerry broke. As they were just putting the last piece of tape on, I told them that they were not the responsible ones for breaking the antenna, that Charlie had nearly broken them that morning. I thought it was quite funny--but nor Jerry or Jad found it amusing at all. They were so relieved that they got any reception at all after that, they looked like a doctor who had just been performing CPR on a patient for a hour.
Alls well that ends well I always say!

~~~Home Sweet Home~~~

So, we finally moved in to our OWN home the beginning of October. It has taken us about this long to get settled and help my mom and Damien to get re-settled in her house. It took about a week for the kids to really feel comfortable there and call it their own. They kept crying that they wanted to go home! They finally understood that this WAS their home now. They have so much more independence now and are able to play out front without cars zooming past, and it's such a remote subdivision where everyone knows everyone. They have a ton of land behind the house where they run and play for hours. We all really, really love it!!

Halloween came in a flash, but we were able to pull everything together and have a good time Trick-or-Treating in our new neighborhood. Noah went as a pirate--aarrrrr!! Emersen went as Snow White, and she was beautiful as can be. Aubrey went as a vampire, but she is old enough now to Trick-or-Treat by herself with her friends, so I didn't really see her until she had her fill. We went with my neice and her daughter, Jackie; who also live in the neighborhood. (The whole reason we moved out there to start with). Jackie and Noah both were pirates, they were so cute!We all had a very fun filled evening--and we were all very tired by the time we got HOME!